All This… And My House Too! (Neat Year!)

I’d say that this year is now officially closing out as… kinda lousy.
I’m typing right this moment with no soul - since the piece I was working on went bye-bye without the possibility of retrieval like, 2 minutes ago. Neato!

Okay. Time to step back, regroup, take a deep breath and… start over. I’ll be back. (Who am I talking to again????)
26 December, 2009 @ 9:10 by m.

Okay, back in the saddle and… I will not be defeated!
Let’s just say the sooner I get through this, the better off I’ll be. Maybe this will be the flapping of butterfly wings to send a Tsunami of Happiness throughout the world? Or… maybe the six of you who read this and myself can just (in purely platonic fashion) “pool our collective loathing” and feel a little better.

Ouch! Did you feel that?
Yeah - it was 2009, kicking all our tails up and down “Wall Street and Main Street!”
Some headlines:

Real Estate Bubble Officially Pops - Gets Some On Everybody

Basically, unless this guy shows up with 100 dudes in yellow jumpsuits and a bunch of flat screen TVs at every house in America (he can start with mine) we’re all kinda hosed. The Short Sell is somehow our best option… how neat of you, universe. Good thing I never installed the granite toilet seat!

The War is Ending… Someday. (Like all things: Life, Social Security, the Sun, etc.)

Single biggest let down of the Obama administration, for me. (We’ll get to all the hand-wringing and finger-pointing in a minute. Be still, Eager Beavers.)
I don’t get it. Now, of course the most I know about the war in Iraq is Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 and the beginning of Iron Man so… I probably shouldn’t be the group spokesperson (-Daniel Tosh-).
I don’t understand the latest surge.
Apparently I don’t understand what an Exit Strategy is, ’cause it doesn’t look like we’re exiting anything.
I don’t understand why no one tells us, really tells us, what’s going on. (Hey News People: YOU SUCK!)
I don’t understand how we can open up windows in the universe, but not the hills of Afghanistan.
I’m renaming the war in Iraq: The Family Trip to Magic Mountain.
“Mom, when are we gonna get there?”
“Five more minutes, son. Five more minutes.”

Michael Jackson Dies, World Mourns Man They Would Never Hire As Babysitter

Meanwhile Iran was having a revolution, fyi. There’s something really sad and “ironical” about the death of Michael Jackson, all the money tied up in the mass public mourning of such a revolutionary artist and… an unknown girl named Neda, being shot dead in the street to start an actual revolution. Covered this earlier in the year but… it’s a nice set up for:

Michael Jackson Dies, Black Eyed Peas and Adam Lambert Still Making “Music”

Yeah, that’s right. I think the Black Eyed Peas make awful music and Adam Lambert is ridiculous.
First of all, “tonight’s gonna be a good night” and “let’s get it started” are the latest rungs in the ladder heading on down to the Shittiness In Music Cellar. “All along the watchtower”? Nah - we don’t do that whole “depth” thing anymore, Gramps. The way we’re headed, the theme for 2010 will be, “Gub.”
And as for Adam Lambert… well, what did you expect, Universe? If music is only about image - it sure as H-E-double hockey sticks ain’t about music - what else could a television show that claims to be about music burp forth but this monstrosity?
Oh, wow. He’s so controversial. Let me remind you of that performance with KISS on AI, and Paul Stanley’s enormous gut. Just… let that float around in your head for a minute.
Okay! Now that we’re on the same page, please remind me why you’ll buy one single song from this guy?
p.s. He lost to the dude with the acoustic guitar. I don’t even think the sisters down in West Hollywood really like his music. To quote Buddy from the Kids In The Hall: “I still refuse to believe Liberace was gay. I just don’t want him to be.”
Androgyny is the new Bell Bottoms. ‘Nuff said.

Country Spends Money It Doesn’t Have - Blames “New Black Fella Who Moved In”

Sorry folks, but I gotta tell you I saw this coming.
“Be careful what you wish for - you just might get it.” - Mother Theresa
I liken the last election to riding a beach cruiser down a long steep hill during rush hour - you don’t realize how much trouble you’re in until it’s happening.
I mean, you didn’t think George Bush was really that stupid, did you? (Okay, I might have.) Maybe he played everyone with his Hee-Haw President Frat Boy thing - but I’m thinking all the while, he & his cronies were ringing up a tab they had no intention of paying then laughing like Snidely Whiplash when they settled on the target of their Billionaires’ Prank. (You do remember that all these so-called “bailouts” started… before Obama was in office, right?) “Buster” crashes the party in triumphant victory… just in time for the cops to show up. (Did John Hughes write this? Let’s hope so… because in the end, the The Team That Carved a Skull Into a Desk always wins. P.S. Rest in Peace, you great man. John Hughes 1950-2009)
Let me ask you something: Do you really - honestly before GOD and BABY JESUS - think that John McCain and Sarah Palin would have steered us down any other path than the one we’re currently on? Now, if you still say “No” to that question, lemme ask you this: If Sarah Palin were a Black chick from the South Side of Chicago, would you still think she was so “approachable” and “like you”?
Yeah. I didn’t think so.
Over simplified? Maybe, but I’ve never understood the judgement of a Pres five minutes after he moves into the White House. Just seems a little too much to believe - “Hey guys, I’m here! Lemme fix what’s been broken for four years! Got it! Now what? This is so easy!!!”
Now, we have “The First Black President” in office - a distinction I hear more frequently as the days go by - and everyone that didn’t vote for him has suddenly forgotten the last eight years, or even the last 20 for that matter - like the Good Ol’ Boys were in there just feeding the dog and picking up the mail or something. (Oh, and in case you go making the mistake that I have any specific political affiliation - as much as 3 of the 6 of you who read this would love to do - doesn’t the Whitewater scandal ring sour in a whole new way all of a sudden?)
C’mon people.
It seems that some people are just hoping the guy destroys the country in order to justify… what?
So they can say, “See, I told you so!”
No? Too much? Well, let me ask you this: What did you think about Bush’s critics? Bill Clinton’s?
Yeah. Got it.

You wanna blame somebody for the recession?
You can start with me.
I haven’t owned a damn thing, all my life.
Didn’t come from money.
Never “came into some money.”
Never had a rich uncle die or hit the lottery.
I’m just a guy from Fresno who tripped, fell and was grabbed by God just before falling into a bottomless abyss then placed gently on my feet in Southern California. I work for a living. (A lot. I work a lot for a living.)
I “bought” a house when the opportunity presented itself, because people said, “buy a house when the opportunity presents itself.” I watched all the shows on HGTV and dared to dream that I might have finally found my chance to build on something with the future in mind.
And now I’m paying for my insolence.
“Get back down there, Morlock!”
I got the interest-only loan, worked more to pay it, hoped that I could fold that into something more stable with the equity that I would be gaining by finally owning something… and then our place lost about 30% of it’s “Equity?” and the Doomsday Clock started ticking on our last year before the loan ADJUSTS. (Much like the question mark that is now synonymous with the word “equity,” the word “adjusts” should now be accompanied by the rhino from James and the Giant Peach, black smoke, and thunder. For now, all-caps and bold will have to do.)
So, there you have it. The Villain in this play has been identified. Gotta give Daniel Craig an actual villain to battle - this isn’t the Happening. Who can karate chop the economy? You’re welcome.

Okay… now that all the doom and gloom has been aired, let’s enjoy some levity!

Movies!
Loved Sherlock Holmes, District 9, Duplicity (how this movie went nowhere is beyond me… maybe should have had more Blue Cat People), Coraline (and pretty much anything that Neil Gaiman does), the Hangover (minus the… eww) and… Star Trek. Star Trek. Star Track, whatever. It was awesome and if you didn’t watch it because you’re too cool, please don’t ever go to the movies with me.
Still waiting to see The Road, Zombieland, Food, Inc., the Messenger, Avatar (seriously, that was me - the one person who hasn’t seen it), Fantastic Mr. Fox, Up (yes, seriously. I’ve been busy!) & “9,” and the Hurt Locker.
Have no interest in seeing Nine (The musical. May I ask… why? And what’s up with all the nines?), Precious (I lived in Fresno for all of the 70’s, lets just say I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this movie already and it bummed me out then, too) or The Blind Side (We’ve ALL seen this movie before. Maybe next they’ll make Webster into a movie.)
Didn’t care for Inglorious Basterds(sic), to be honest. There were moments (the bar in the cellar, all the stuff with the Tiny Nazi) but overall the movie just seemed a little too straight forward, and seeing as this was a Tarantino movie, that totally confused me. Where were all the back story bits and timeline juggles that I loved so much about Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs? Why didn’t someone just shoot the Tiny Nazi?
And Where the Wild Things Are… hmm. What to say? I wanted it to change my life. I grew up on the book and am a pretty legit Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers fan. Thought this might make for an interesting combination, plus… Gandolfini. C’mon. It just… didn’t completely jive for me. Seemed really, really quiet all the time. And I don’t care what anyone says, that Karen O soundtrack did nothing for me. Like I’ve said before: This got me a little spoiled.

Speaking of Music:

Well, we all know where my heart lands on this subject, so let’s really just cut to the chase: No new music at all came out in 2009. Sorry. Check back in 12 months.

Unless you consider this music:

Seriously, it was pretty bleak. Aside from a few distractions - Baroness‘ The Blue Record was a highlight, as was Regina Spektor’s Far. It’s nice to see groups pull off two albums “in a row” that are full of great songs with great hooks and real depth - and equally sad to see that literally no one in the “media” has made much of a fuss about either of them. For every Lady Gaga - who, I’ll be honest, I don’t despise (this was hilarious) but I also could live without - there are literally 1000’s of Fever Rays out there. (Okay, maybe be not - she’s pretty amazing - but you get my point) Great music that just doesn’t stand a chance in the current machine. But, there is a little hope, despite what the pic at the top of this Blahg says: This article by Dave Allen, (seriously, READ IT) shared by my friend Anthony DeBarros who is awesome, states most of my feelings pretty well. At first, I thought,
“He puts everything on the artists to change the way things are! How is that fair??”
But then… I thought about it for a minute. Hasn’t that kind of… always been the case?
Look, call it laziness, call it complacency, call it entitlement - call it whatever you want.
Call it: The Reality of How Things Are.
The days of gazillion dollar record deals and Tour Busses for Everyone! are OVER. Let it go. Funny though, I think those of us who never really tasted that life are the most resistant to let the dream go. But… there is no choice but to do so and then… make something NEW.
Be the Artist you claim to be - if you’re gonna claim to be that, be that.
These are the facts:
1) If artists don’t take this moment to seize control of what they do and make it work for them, they may have to wait for the next big shift, and that could be ages and it could be a shift back towards… someone that isn’t an artist controlling everything.
2) Anything that makes an artist stretch and risk and fear (at least a little) is, historically speaking, artistically healthy.
3) What we had before, only worked for a few souls… and we hated those bastards!!!!

So… try.
Do something different.
Fail.
Succeed.
Flounder.
Want it.
Anything but… standing pat, wishing you could go back.
Why long for someone else’s days and dreams… you never had?
Happy New Year.

Okay… now that we all need a nap, I’ll leave you with my vote for Song of the Year:

Hope the next one is a little brighter!
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